Anne Summers party

ALISON couldn’t believe it. She was just through the door and already a stocky woman with a sleek red bob was talking about “a different sort of stiff.”

Muriel, the sex toys saleswoman, was recounting how she was going to retrain as an undertaker. Six of Alison’s friends were creased up laughing like they’d never heard anything so rib tickling.

“’Ere, your customers'll still have more life in ‘em than my Steve,” screeched Sam, like a latter day Hilda Baker, three sheets to the wind.

It wasn’t the inviting scene Alison had imagined. Surely there should be more of a build up to the lewd screaming and dirty jokes - a chance to get your hands on a tumbler of Lambrusco and reduced fat sausage roll at least.

Why did she bother? She’d rather be at home in front of Midsomer Murders.

But it couldn’t get any worse than her last visit when she’d disgraced herself with one of the gadgets.

The small white oval plastic ball was called an ‘Orgasm Feast.’ One look had made the room full of middle-aged women shriek – possibly out of horror, lust or nerves, or maybe all three.

Alison, just the wrong side of 12 stone, had hauled herself on to the little gyrating ‘bullet’ as it jigged about and buzzed across a chair.

As she hovered over the toy, she took time to point out she was fully clothed and only doing it for the laugh because no-one else would.

Alison wanted to say she was only doing it “for the crack” and started to snigger to herself like a schoolgirl, overly pleased with the immature quip.

Trouble is, she continued laughing – and sitting - a bit too hard – breaking the whizzy plastic device into tiny pieces and landing herself with a bill for £40 - not to mention a bit of an awkward itch.

Some of her fellow party-goers had laughed until they cried. She’d never been allowed to live it down. Or to sit down for the rest of the night for that matter.

And now she'd dragged herself back. Here she was at another party, nervously eying the other guests and quietly glugging down wine.

Tight lipped, that's what I am, she thought. I'm staying tight lipped. Christ the innuendos are flying tonight. You can't stay tight lipped round this stuff for long.

"You haven't half got a funny look on your face, what's up with you woman?" asked Sam. "You've said bugger all since you got here."

“Sshh!” said Alison.

They’re gonna start the games in a minute.”

"No, first Gina has an announcement, haven't you love?"

"Er, yeah thanks, Sam, I'm um expecting."

"Congratulations. How far gone are you?" probed Sarah, there with her mum.

"Six months," smiled Gina, patting her tummy.

Alison stifled a "Jesus Christ!" knocking back more Lambrusco.

"Bloody hell, you can’t even tell,” she whispered to Sam. “It reminds me of that joke, I’d rather keep the seat to myself than make the fat girl standing up cry.”

"I think I preferred you being quiet," teased Sam, playfully digging Alison in the ribs.

Then, ignoring her friend's catty laughter, she said: "Oh that’s lovely, a little brother or sister for Josh.

“You must be so pleased with how he’s getting on.”

“Yeah, he’s just started another school, says it’s great.

“He loves English best, reckons his new teacher’s brilliant – really in touch with the children, not standoff-ish like some of the others he’s had.”

“It’s crucial…” Alison started to tell Gina. She wanted to say it’s so important that kids loved language, but was interrupted by Muriel holding her right hand up, palm outwards, like a bored Simon Cowell humouring a a tuneless wannabe.

"Right, now that's out of the way, let's get on shall we?"she said.

"Who’s played the rude alphabet game before?” "Oh it's easy," she explained when the women said they'd never heard of it. I'll say a letter and you have to shout out a saucy word - whoever has come up with the most at the end wins.

"Off we go now, I'll keep score."

“...A” she began.

"Arse" shouted Alison quick as a flash, beating a couple of 'arseholes and one 'arse bandit'' into second and third place.

"Oh come on, no arse bandits allowed please girls," scolded Sam. "That's not nice is it?"

"What and arsehole is?" protested Sarah's mum, Marion. "In my day, you called a spade a spade."

"Mum, do you HAVE to?" whined Sarah.

The game continued apace through bollocks, c*** and dildo, while more wine was sipped and the laughs got throatier.

At 'f' the general consensus was it should be 'f***' and Alison's suggestion of 'fisting' caused some bewilderment, especially from Marion who looked like she wanted to punch someone.

"What's that?" asked Gina.

"Oh I don't really know," lied Alison.

Muriel made a mental note not to dwell too much on the 'Bostin' Bum Tickler' in her bag of special offers.

Alison was gripped by the urge to shout dirtier and dirtier words, before looking at the floor. 'Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry," she repeated.

Looks of horror and muffled choking sounds accompanied Alison's outburts.

"J****, knob, l****, minge, nuts, orgasm, p*** flaps," and and quim", she exclaimed in cathartic succession, a shocked silence gripping the other women - peppered only by the occasional awkward titter or futile attempt to 'out swear' Alison, her rapid cursing like machine gun fire.

Sam was pretending she didn't know her - quite a feat having invited her into her home.

By the time the challenge reached 't' ("tits", and a solitary "twat" from Alison) she could smell victory.

At ‘v’, the women seemed a little stumped except for the rather obvious 'vagina'.

"Vulva!" screeched Alison before apologising profusely and taking another gulp from her tumbler.

Uh-oh she thought. Looks like I’ve blown it again.

"Mate, I know you have a competitive streak but this is ridiculous," laughed Sam.

But by now, Alison was focused on the prize. "Wanker!" she bellowed, her body seeming to fix itself into an involuntary jerk.

"Why don't you shut the f*** up?" said Marion. "Nobody likes a smart arse."

"For God's sake Mum," said Sarah. "Leave the girl alone, she's enjoying herself."

Alison blushed as she sensed the dirty looks coming her way and the mood turned gloomier some
"But I work with work with words!" she protested weakly.

It didn't wash. Nobody wanted to talk about anyone's job and they weren’t really interested in Alison’s excuse for her foul language.

“If you were my daughter, I’d wash your mouth out with soap,” said Marion as Sarah shot her another embarrassed glance.

Marion was unrepentant.

“You must have been dragged up,” she scowled.

“Um I can’t see my mother an Ann Summers party,” Alison shot back, smiling.

A rather muted Muriel congratulated Alison on her win.

“Can we see the Rampant Rabbit now?” asked Marion.

Alison’s prize was a pack of cards with blokes in various states of undress.

“We’ll have hours of fun with these. We can play 'guess the year' the pictures were taken. ”

”Judging by the straw hat and the handlebar moustache it was the same year the Village People made it big, ”added Alison, in a fruitless attempt to thaw the icy atmosphere.

Everyone was looking at her blankly.

“Time to go I think Alison,” announced Sam.

“What d’you mean? It’s only nine o’clock.”

“Yeah but don’t you remember you’ve got work to do?” mouthed Sam, raising her eyebrows and tilting her head towards the door.

“Spose I could make a start on all that marking,” she agreed quietly, grabbing her coat from a kitchen chair.

“Still Josh is such a good boy Gina, I won’t have much to do, I’m sure.”

“Can’t wait for parents' evening,” she smirked as she headed for the bus stop, a trail of open mouths behind her.

Comments

[M]

Linda this was great.
I couldn't help but laugh. The dirty word competition had me in stiches. A long forgotten memory popped up of a well respected lady doctor...Nah better not!

[Sexonlegs]

LOL. Loved the ending.

[Linda]

Thank you, that's all the encouragement I need to know it can make people laugh and not just be me thinking: I hope this makes people laugh!

[Lady L]

That was hilarious! I actually did laugh out loud at the end there! Now just needs the spit and polish.

[Julia]

Linda,
This was a wonderful story, I loved it! And because I work with words, too, and because I've also got a competitive streak, I'd do exactly the same thing. But then... isn't that the aim of the game? ;-)

[Diane Shipley]

wash your mouth out young lady!
Too funny! :D xxx

[bluetwinmummy]

PMSL!! I thought I was bad at an Ann Summers party - looks like I've got some competition!! Good day!

[Wendy]

hilarious as always linda!!
remind me to invite you if i ever have and ann summers party!!

[Ash]

Fantastic stuff missis!

[D]

This is very funny Linda. Yes, it is made more entertaining by the fact that the people who go to these parties are so middle class and conventional in other ways - I am told. I thought it was a really good pace, with nice turns of phrase. I wasn't sure if "eying" is spelt correctly - "eyeing"?.... that looks better to me.